Blog 122- 13 year old boys!!!!

My son's 13, oh my dear!

The hormones raging round,

Looking on my computer 

you can imagine what I found!

Parental lock, oh really!!

It doesn't seem to hold,

there it was in print

PORN HUB - BIG AND BOLD!

I called him up, he faltered

I think he realized why,

I had to be so careful,

"get out of this son... go on.... try!"

So, asking him quite frankly,

What's this I see on here?

"I'm 13 mother, quite frankly,

be pleased that I'm not queer! 

I'm sorry son... not good enough,

your excuse is rather poor...

OK Mum, how's this....

I found something in "your" drawer!

I had no answer for him

We will talk about this later!

mental note to self: next time -

"must hide my..... things in a safer place !"

Beth 

October 2012

Blog 121 - Ode to my Gynae

Sitting at my desk, a quiet afternoon, I thought it was a good moment to write an Ode! 

Ode to my Gynae

 I lay down for examination

I really feared the worst

He stuck this thing inside me but 

he didn't kiss me first!!!

Please don't do it, I begged him,

Please leave my insides in.

"No", he says all cocky....

"it's all going in the bin"

"It's better out I tell you,

You'll feel much better you will see,

It won't affect your love life,

or the power of your wee!"

No No, but I need it! 

I've had it all my life

Please don't cut me open Sir

I'm frightened of the knife!

"Now, listen dear", he comforts

"300 of these I've done,

Each woman feels like new

I promise, each and every one!"

I'm sorry sir, I don't believe you

My tummy is so sore

I don't want your hands going

where no-one's have before!

"I'll be gentle, that I promise,

I'll whip it all out quick

Once it goes, you'll be amazed

It will certainly do the trick."

Well, what could I say, I stammered

but but but are you really sure?

Will whipping it all out really

be my only cure?

"Yes," he said quite weary,

"For god's sake get a grip,

It will only be a few hours

a cut here, and a snip!"

So there I sat a waiting,

with Wonder Woman knickers 

on my head,

I thought it would make me braver,

whilst crossed legged on my bed.

All white and clean and sterile,

I was shaking like a leaf,

Hoping that with it gone,

I would feel some light relief.

He entered the door quite slowly, 

 a fox hunting down it's prey,

"Undress," he says, "put this on"

but I didn't know which way!

My bum was cold, it was drafty

exposed and not impressed,

I didn't like this feeling

I just wanted to get dressed

  Feeling cold and vulnerable,

like I never have before,

He looked at me and grinned

and walked back out the door!

It's cause I asked him kindly,

I was chancing all my luck,

Whilst I'm asleep, I deserve it

Please sir... a tummy tuck?

"No" he said whilst laughing,

I looked up from where I sat,

"I can, but here's the problem

It will make the rest of you look fat!"

In they all came with face masks,

a tear ran down my face,

I've done my will & testament,

well, I had to, just in case!

I needed a few minutes,

I felt they came in far too soon,

Lets face it 45 years 

Is a long time to have a womb!

Now two years on and how do I feel?

Like a new women, never finer!

Not only fit and healthy

but just walked the Wall of China!

By Beth Gevell 

October 2012

Post 120 - Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I have been slack in posting my blog as I have been desperately trying to work out how to put a few video on!  So, just for now, and although this should be the last in the China blog... I am going to say a few thank you's. 

This is from Marie Curie....


Hello Marie Curie China trekkers!

I hope you are all well and have had an amazing experience on the recent Great Wall of China trek.

Firstly I would like to thank you again on your fantastic fundraising efforts for this charity.  The current total amount raised for this trip is:  £108,074 – a remarkable effort.

Kindest regards,

Dan

Dan Nelson
Events Project Fundraiser
Marie Curie Cancer Care 

Fantastic amount raised and I just wanted to thank everyone for their very kind donations, the money will make such a massive difference.

Every minute of every day someone in the UK is being cared for by a Marie Curie Nurse or Healthcare Assistant.  They care for almost half of all cancer patients who die at home in the UK, providing one-on-one care for the patients themselves and practical and emotional support for families at what is one of the most difficult times in their lives. The majority of the nurses work through the night, allowing friends and family to take some much needed rest.

I would like to personally thank, not only the people who sponsored me but also the the wonderful people that joined me in my venture, I am proud to call them all my friends - each one of you made the trip a time in my life that I will NEVER forget and I love you all.

Just wanted to thank this chap for his cold bottle of beer!

Ruth - our Team Camelot Captain - Thank you so much for all your hard work and organisation - you are amazing

Nikki & Hannah - Head of the Marie Curie Team... Thank you girls you were amazing and aside for all your hard work  getting us all organised, we loved you and your company - you made the trip very special

Without these guys we would not have eaten.. 

Thank you Ken... there is nothing this man doesn't know about China, the Great Wall and how to be a fantastic person.... He was our ROCK!

Thank you Pam.. for being my partner in crime a fantastic friend and for keeping me sane! xxx

Without these boys, James & Peter, we couldn't even cross the road!!!!  Boys you looked after us all like we were family and you are definitely welcome to visit me and mine anytime!

This man.. well, apart from making me laugh so much that the inevitable happened.. anyone who makes me a cuppa first thing in the morning, is a friend for life!  Thank you Andrew for looking after me,  you made me feel safe and treated me like a sister - You are one special man!

When I can figure this out I will post it.. it is a hysterical video of Andrew eating something that resembles a sausage!  

Blog 119 : Night of Day 7 - X-Factor & Very Wet Knickers!

Another early start after a hysterical evening of X-Factor.... This is something that I just don't think I can describe in words as it was the funniest thing I have ever experienced.

On the spot we were performing.  42 torches shining at us from a height as it was "Beth & Andrew, come on you two... your turn to entertain us"  With not a clue what we were going to perform, we headed for "Centre Stage". 

I looked at Andrew and he looked at me in despair and somehow it transpired that we were going to have a go at a ventriloquist dummy act!  Guess who was the dummy?... well, that wasn't hard was it?

Andrew then proceeded to shove his hand up my top (it was cold) and I think I jumped so high that you know the inevitable happened.. I was laughing so much that I couldn't breathe and I certainly couldn't stop myself from actually wetting myself.. All the talk on the lead up to this trip, all the pelvic floor exercises and all the Tenna Ladies in Boots couldn't have helped with the flow at that point... my legs crossed, I staggered about and everyone thought it was part of the show but it was to stop the puddle building on the floor!  Someone, I don't know who, passed me a chair to sit on - thank the lord!  I sat down (trousers wet through) and continued with the act praying that nobody would notice the impending wet patch as it trickled down my legs!



"Now", Andrew said sternly, hand still up my top! "I am going to drink this bottle of beer whilst my dummy says the Chinese Alphabet backwards..." Well - that just about did me in didn't it... I laughed till I thought I was going to die in a puddle of urine!  I took his glasses from his face, slapped him about a little, gave him a wet willy (wet finger in the ear) and tried to strangle one of the panel of judges.. (I think it was Louis) in an attempt to distract everyone from my increasing embarrassment!  People were crying with laughter and I was peeing with laughter.  Unfortunately, or fortunately for me, we didn't make it to the judges houses!  Thank the lord!!!


Apparently there are photos and a video somewhere, I will consider sharing in another blog!


Aside from us, we had Laura who sang beautifully (and won), Our Camelot girls acting out a dog and trainer sketch which was hysterical, a strip tease by Laura's girls and some very exotic dancing, a rendition of 10 green bottles by Hannah and Nikki and some Irish Dancing! With all this and a visit from a flying stick insect and a pray mantis which freaked everyone out, it was a brilliant night and one I will not forget in a hurry - how ever much I will try!



At 8am, after a hearty breakfast prepared by our local crew (yum, Chinese again) we headed off for a walk towards Mt. Simatai.  Unlike others sections that we ventured, this had been reconstructed, it was actually like walking on a proper wall!!!!   This section has been included in the UNESCO list of World Cultural Heritage sites and labelled as "The Primitive Great Wall".

His face did "light" up - I promise!

We went in a circuit and ventured through two villages.  One of our ladies had made an array of little knitted teddies for the local children (Sarah... we should have thought of this - much more useful than knitted blue tits!).  To see the children's faces was just amazing, their little eyes lit up as they clutched their wee teddies tightly, we could feel the warmth and love from the mother's by their sides.  Which reminds me of our cable car adventure.

Jo and I took a ride on a cable car.  She was feeling unsteady and unwell so I joined her on a journey up to the edge of the wall.  It looked like the cars were attached with just a small bit of string and I was nervous, really nervous, not dissimilar to the feeling I had in New Zealand when I bungee jumped from 100ft... this was worse - they played soft mellow, calming, just about to die, piped music to you as you travelled along the very thin wire above the trees and mountains... my heart was literally in my mouth, I felt it thumping so hard that I was worried it may pop out of my chest... I sat next to a charming Chinese Lady and her Son.  The little boy had never seen a Westerner before and he couldn't take his eyes off me, he was probably worried that I would wet myself, or worse still pass out and die!  He kept touching my skin and smiling to make me feel better - the lady said "you my new best friend", I clutched her hand tightly a little worried that I was stopping her blood flow as I thought it may be the last bit of human contact that I would ever feel and said "NO, NO, NO... YOU, are MY, best friend".  

Post 118 - PPPPPP (Peaceful Place in Purple Paradise with Pam and a Pee)

Pam and I escaped from the campsite.. we took a walk all by ourselves to the most beautiful peaceful place that I have ever seen.  It was like something out of a fairy book that I would read to Cassidy.

In our inimitable fashion, we bribed the little Chinese man on the door to let us in for half price (6 Yuan for two).  Well they did have the water sprinklers on and it was about 5.30pm.

Whilst the camp were preparing for dinner, we entered this purple paradise.

We carefully navigated the sprinklers, not easy at all... we ran and dodged like jack rabbits through the heather (obviously busting for the loo) into the fields of purple - where incidentally no one could see us so it is was very grand place to pee especially knowing what the toilet facilities were like on camp! (good for the flowers I say)...

We both felt a little like singing a rendition of Purple Rain by Prince and the Revolutions as we danced and paraded about like teenagers, slowly but surely getting drenched as we took in the views, it was like being in heaven.

If you could see the feeling of "LOVE", I think this is what it would look like! 

We escaped from camp!

Blog 117 Meditating on The Great Wall of Tod!

I laughed again today with the company of Jane as we were clearing out Cassidy's cupboard in her room!  

It was Jane's idea, "get loads of bin bags, strong ones, paint that unit in Luke's room so we can use it as storage, and we will spring clean her room..... well, I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth (not that I am calling you a horse Jane)...  So I jumped at her offer.  

Painted said units, purchased large strong bin bags and along came Friday morning when Jane arrived bright and early with home made fruit loaf that was really yummy (She is the bestest of friends ever).  Tea and cake later we tackled Cassidy's room.

What made us laugh out loud? Well, firstly, I came across another massive collection of self help, be a better loving person, keep calm and meditate, box of books that belong to Todd (my ex husband - well figuratively speaking anyway).

One of the many books we came across was still in it's plastic cover, never been opened,  brand spanking new, called "Do it Now! Break the procrastination habit", another on "How to socialize with the Swiss" (Jane asked if he knew any Swiss people?!!! not to my knowledge...) and the one that made us laugh so much that even Jane needed a Tenna Lady was "How to Pay off your mortgage in two years" (It was 18 years old)... Oh, the list was endless, it was difficult to fathom - all these books on how to make yourself a better person, how to communicate and how to love and be loved, boxes and boxes and boxes of them..... all crap, obviously!!!

Oh... and then Nigel called and told me he had just sailed past a wall that I might be interested in.  "The Great Wall of Tod" I won't be climbing that one again in a hurry! but it did make us laugh hysterically!  I think I should start thinking about shares in Boots!

Bless him, I do miss him - I put it down to all the books I have been reading!

The "Great Wall of Tod"

Apparently known as "The Great Wall of Tod", this huge brick retaining wall supports the railway as it enters Todmorden from Lancashire.

Blog 116 : Day 6 - 12 feet high, 6 feet thick

Up ahead this huge wall seemed like it was never ending, extending towards a range of grey mountains.  Twelve feet high, six feet thick it gradually transforms to a thin line of granite rocks weaving diagonally up the ridge.  I actually didn't imagine the wall to look like this and had certainly never seen anything like it in photos.  The mountain slope just got steeper and steeper.  I tightened my ruck sack on my back, pulling the straps tight, took a big swig of extra hydrated water from my bladder, took a deep breathe and marched on wards - precipices begin to appear revealing drops of at least 200 feet I recon... it was breathtakingly scary, we couldn't breathe through exhaustion as well as having our breath taken away by the beauty of it all.

I just grinned from ear to ear most of the time. I was actually there  - on the Great Wall, I felt very small but at the same time very big!!!  After all I had been through over the past few years, this was something that I never thought possible.  This time last year I couldn't even walk up the stairs at home but I will tell you more about that another time.

There was an amazing sense of camaraderie as our group gee'd each other on to get to the top section, where there was an even more indescribable view.  It helped that there was a little old man of about 105 at the top with cold beer and sprite for sale... how he got there, no body knows!  Our faces red with the heat and exhaustion from climbing a thousand steps, throats parched and almost unable to speak and there he sat, bright eyed and bushy tailed very happy to see us in order to make a quick Yuan!!

Every step I took I loved, we were more like mountain goats clambering up the rocks and up the steepest steps you can imagine.. apparently, the steps are so big because the Chinese believe that evil spirits don't have knees so they can't climb up them!  There were certainly no evil spirits there with us... we felt the calmness and sheer magnitude of it all under our feet.

Andrew practicing with his chop sticks