First blog since 2012 and struggling for a title

We didn’t and couldn’t let Mum die alone.  After fighting for many many years to stay alive for us we had to say goodbye to her on the 14^th March 2020 a date that will never be forgotten and a year that will never be forgotten in history.

Mum was tested positive, I believe now, a blessing as she went quickly, calmly and peacefully. Both Dad who is 85 and myself 54 now have the virus and my brother Robin 58 has just come down with a fever.

I think I am about a week or so in, maybe 4 days with severe symptoms. 

I can taste it, I can taste the virus in my mouth and I can hear it in my head, my ears hurt and my eyes are sore, I keep thinking I have hairs or sand in them.  My eyelids are heavy and the only things I  am physically able to move right now, are my fingers to type.  When I close my eyes I see shapes I have never seen before, it is the strangest of things, groups of triangles lit up, sharp spear type objects shooting past my vision.  My ear, just one hurts, it feels like it is listening out for the virus that is literally invading my body.

We were in the room with Mum and two other ladies who had been tested positive, this room, this hospital ward was where my life changed forever.  As Mum took her last breathe, nothing could prepare me for the pain that ran through my body, I was alone with her.  Robin ran Dad home as exhaustion and upset was totally overwhelming for him but they had been gone a matter of moments before Mum took her last breath.  Every time I close my eyes I replay, so I don’t close my eyes much, sleep is truly difficult.

I wanted to put something down in writing, this is a message to everyone, to ensure you stay home and take every precaution you can.  I know that everyone is bombarding with news and information but if there is something in my words that can help a single soul then it will be worth it.

My symptoms

I have a chesty cough, yup not dry.  I can feel the virus cruising through every single cell in my body and I will not let the fuckers get me.  I’ve felt sick, my chest hurting. Had diarrhoeh, dry throat (I can taste the bastard), hot and cold sweats, a fever like I’ve never experienced, now I think 5 days in my lungs feel like they are on fire.  It’s hard to move, like no flu I have ever had, my mind feels clear yet muddled, my lungs and chest feel clear yet compressed.  Paracetamol and breathing up steam with a little Vicks vapour feels good.

Meanwhile, my Dad is in Luke’s room.  He is frail and weak and every time I struggle up out of my bed to check on his I don’t know if he would have stopped breathing .  A little wave of a couple of fingers tells me that he is hanging in, but I don’t think he wants to.  On the 23^rd March 2020 they would have been married for 63 years.  A marriage that was so strong, a marriage that you could only dream about.  When we had called the paramedics to the house for mum, one asked Mum some questions to check on her alertness, when she pointed at Dad, she asked Mum who he was, she replied “That man is my life”.

Dad is refusing food, pain relief and any comfort we can give him seems futile.  He cant move from the bed and we have no help.  They sent him home from the hospital in a hospital vehicle with an untrained driver as no other way was possible.  The hospital are at breaking point and at the time must have thought Dad was fit enough to send home.  He collapsed on the drive.  I thought he had died.  The driver was worse than useless.  Savannah and Luke came rushing to help and they managed to get him in the house in the wheelchair.  We didn’t know what to do, Dad with chronic stomach pain unable to stand we had to get him upstairs.  This is where my daughter Savannah took complete control.  The girl deserves a medal, she took control, she took control and they managed to get him into bed.

There are no words to describe how incredible my kids have been, we managed to get Luke home from Australia literally hours before they closed to boarders for six months.  It is a blessing that he is with us now, to have all three of them back together, my team.

I know, and it pains me so much that they will no doubt go down with this virus soon.  I prey that I will be strong enough to look after them and that my Dad pulls through.  It has been difficult to give any news that isn’t positive, it goes against every cell in my body so please forgive us for not answering your messages, right now I am too exhausted to talk but beyond that, I need and we need to keep calm and positive to get through the next few weeks.

We have Joey and Jessie, Amber and four adorable kittens who have all be our salvation in all of this.  My friends have been delivering food parcels and my fridge has never been so full, cards and flowers have converted my home into a florist and I am eternally grateful.  The sun is shining, the kittens are suckling and I will beat this fucker of a virus so that I will be able to help others.

  

Pins and needles in my hands and feet is a feeling I remember well, It will pass.

My biggest challenge right now is my Dad, the man who spent his entire life looking after my Mum through her illnesses and taking care of me and Robin most of the time too.  He never questioned, he never faltered as a Dad to us whilst we were growing up, nobody could wish for a finer man.  If we needed anything, he was there, laughter was our biggest medicine, making us laugh so much that we couldn’t breathe.  I remember dinner time with us around the table together and Dad telling me that I wouldn’t be able to drink any of my water from my glass, I challenged him to this, I thought it was an easy bet, however, he made me laugh so much every time I put the rim of the glass to my lips that I never was able to take a sip – all he said was “apricots” and that word makes me laugh whenever I hear it.

Now, this man won’t accept my help, I hear Mum in my head telling me to help him, she is shouting at me but when I do, Dad shouts at me to... to leave him alone.  I won’t give up, I swear to God I will do everything in my power to bring that man back to health – through thick and thin I’ll fight for him.

The house is quiet, I’ve been up all night, I managed to talk to Brigitte in Australia, she is calming and thoughtful and awake, a voice of reason and understanding.

The world is a frightening place right now, I don’t need to tell you that, but, what you need to hear, is, please stay home, it’s like nothing else I’ve ever experienced, if you get it, sip warm drinks regularly, take Vit C, zinc and magnesium if you can get any.  Lemon & honey and paracetamol and rest, tell the fucker that it’s not welcome and make a full recovery.

I am lucky, I have an incredible family, my children have been out of this world, caring for us and being so strong, my friends, well nobody could wish for such amazing friends, oh god, this is sounding like an obituary, well it’s not, I swear.  I will fight whatever is put in front of me, I am stronger than I thought, braver than I think and I have my Mum's strength inside of me.  Those who knew her know, she is a strength to be reckoned with.

I’ve cried so much but feel It isn’t real, I am sure to wake up soon anyway and this nightmare will be gone.

So, this brings me onto this morning, coughing, ears ringing, feet freezing, electric blanket and heating on full.  Savannah has a sore throat and I’ve managed to boil the kettle for her so she can breathe in some steam.  I believe this virus doesn’t like heat and if you catch it quick the steam can kill it in the nasal passages. Cassidy and Luke sleeping.

A small breakthrough this morning, I changed tact with Dad, I entered the room telling him that I know he is a very smart man so he knows that if he doesn’t eat he wont have the strength to watch Red Dwarf.  He agreed to a small amount of warm Shreddies which is the first thing he has had since coming out of hospital.  He is like a skeleton, so so frail and weak, my Dad, Tai Chi Master and the fittest 85 year old I have known.

I spoke to my friend Jane whose husband has been trapped in South Africa, they have closed the boarders and won’t allow him out.  The locals are beating up the English and Europeans as they are being blamed for bringing the virus into their country.  It is a war, a war where we can’t see the enemy.

If you have the strength, call old friends, call new friends, speak to family you haven’t spoken to in a while, make amends, instead of fighting, let this bring us closer together as a nation, be thoughtful and understanding of each others needs, we are all struggling in our own way, each of us different, think before you say anything that may upset those who are working hard to help.  Take it from me, to help someone with the Corona virus when you have the Corona virus is a testament to my own strength – who would have thought, little Beth could kick it’s arse.

My Daughter Savannah gave me a card for Mothers Day, It’s OK, I don’t know why it’s OK but I feel calm, it may have been the giant bottle of Baileys that she managed to find left on a shelf or just the fact that I loved my Mum each and every day that she breathed so today is just another day.  She is within me, she is helping me fight and she will always be by my side.

This is where I miss my ex husband, yup, I miss him most days.  At times like this he is the one I want to talk to, I want so much to believe in his philosophy and in many ways I do but.... there always seems to be a but...