Day 91 - I wanted to Jump out of the window!

It's 4.37am and I can't sleep, the brush cotton (well more like brush nylon) Primarne PJ's are too hot for this weather and I am overheating.... I've opened my bedroom window, it is raining hard and the sound of the rain hitting the plastic that is covering the once roof of the bungalow at the bottom of my garden is being battered by the wind and the rain!  Is it really June?  

Why am I so hot? Taking deep breaths of the cool air feels great and I spy a squirrel clinging to the wall of the house like Spiderman, he looks at me in utter surprise and freezes, I could almost read his mind, he looked very suspicious!

It was even too early for the white doves that feed on the roof of the garage next door - my neighbour feeds them each morning and there must be over 30 of them fighting vehemently defending the bounty from the pesky squirrels.

I started thinking about the time that I wanted to throw myself out of this window!  I remember pleading with my Midwife to let me jump!  Seven years ago when I gave birth to Cassidy I brainlessly thought it was a good idea to have her at home - how difficult can this be, number 3 child?

As my husband and Luke age 6 sat downstairs in the early hours of the morning watching the umtenth episode of Star Wars, and Savannah was conveniently with her Grandparents for the night (see I must have known) I was in the heavy throws of labour with two midwives and my Auntie Jo - it did cross my mind that it may upset my little boy if he saw his pregnant Mum flying through air out the window!

Hours into my labour I had changed my mind and wanted all the drugs that were on the market, only there weren't any - I chewed on my pillow like my life depended on it in between a few puffs on tiny portable canister of gas and air only really suitable to knock out a small mouse - or that bloody noisy squirrel on my wall ....... the only thing that seemed sensible was throwing myself out of the window which would only have sprained my ankle as it isn't really that high!

I won't go into too much detail (for the sake of my tomophobic friend Jane) but after the Midwife dislocated my hip, my baby seemed to manage to get her shoulder free and all was well (for her!!!!). I held her in my arms and the pain dissipated (for that moment... )  I remember the placenta followed not so long after and the boys coming upstairs when the coast was clear to meet the new addition to the family!  As Luke entered the room I remember the midwife covering over the bowl with the afterbirth quickly and efficiently with a towel.

I introduced Cassidy to her Daddy and Big Brother and Savannah seemed to appear from nowhere, it was such a special moment that I'll never forget.

Months later, and I mean months, young Luke, who is one of the most sensitive boys, with the knowledge of someone who has been here before said "Mum, what happened to your other baby?" I wasn't sure what he was asking, so I questioned him further, to which he replied "Well, I didn't want to ask you because I knew that you would be upset, but when I came into the bedroom after Cassidy was born, I saw that lady covering up your other baby because it had died!" It was at that point when I felt so much love in my heart for that boy that I thought I was going to burst.. it was quite remarkable that at the age of 6 he would have the sensitivity to hold that information inside of him for so long so as not to upset me - he has continued to grow into a mature young man with the same sensibility and care that is way beyond his years.

Time goes by so quickly, I liken it to a roll of toilet roll, the nearer the end you get, the quicker it runs out!  

I'm getting chilly now, I can hear that squirrel, he is making such a racket that I think he may wake up Cassidy - I'm going to close the window, jump back into bed with the hope that I can fall asleep for the last hour before the school run!  It is hard to think that my little tiny baby will soon be in year 3!!